


Fake It Till You Bake It; Mutant Edition!

by Sky_Chau



Category: Nailed It! (TV), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: I can and will make fun of every single character in this fic., Not Beta Read, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, even if you dont like cooking shows please read this you will not regret it., its comedy gold, magneto is evil but that's very cleverly lampshaded, mystique is everybodys mother, not crack, theres a difference, written in front of a live studio audience.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25698328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sky_Chau/pseuds/Sky_Chau
Summary: The "Nailed It" style cooking show where mutants who spent more time mastering their powers than learning how to cook, attempt to bake a cake.
Relationships: Alex Summers & Scott Summers, Erik Lehnsherr & Pietro Maximoff, Logan & Rogue, Raven | Mystique & Kurt Wagner, Raven | Mystique & Rogue
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	Fake It Till You Bake It; Mutant Edition!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody of the following American TV Trash:  
> -Americas got talent  
> -Kitchen Nightmares/Hotel Hell  
> -Nailed It (Netflix)
> 
> If you are completely unfamiliar with these shows I recommend watching one episode of each before reading this fic. You don't have to though. You'd still get most of the jokes.

**HOST** : Hello America and welcome to Fake It Till You Bake It; Mutant Edition. The show where the only thing that gets eaten on screen are the judges. Today's episode theme is family. Let's meet our contestants.

_(cut)_

**HOST** : first up we have the father and son duo ERIK and PIETRO. So tell us, what brings you here today?

 **ERIK** : We're here to prove mutant superiority over humans.

 **PIETRO** : ...in baking.

 **ERIK** : _(long and suspicious pause)_ yes.

 **HOST** : _(looks directly into camera)_ I'm so glad theres nothing moral to unpack about a Jewish holocaust survivor gone mutant supremacist this time around. That would've been awkward.

_(cut)_

**HOST** : next we have brothers SCOTT and ALEX summers. You two look so much alike and you have similar powers. Are you twins?

 **SCOTT** : no

 **HOST** : So who's older?

 **SCOTT and ALEX:** yes

 **HOST** : my what thrilling and conclusive answers were getting today. Moving on.

_(cut)_

**HOST** : Our final duo is mother and son, MYSTIQUE and KURT.

 **KURT** : wait what…?

 **MYSTIQUE** : _(dramatic)_ I didn't mean for you to find out like this. _(Runs)_

 **KURT** : ????? _(Looks into the camera having existential_ _crisis)_

 **HOST** : Well, would you look at the technical difficulties! We'll be right back!

_(cut to technical difficulties screen)_

**HOST** : and we're back with a minor change in contestants. Introducing mother daughter duo MYSTIQUE and ROGUE.

 **ROGUE** : _(looks to MYSTIQUE like “what the fuck?”)_

 **MYSTIQUE** : you're adopted.

 **ROGUE** : not anymore. _(removes glove and touches her own face_ _and falls over)_

 **MYSTIQUE** : that only works when you touch other people.

 **ROGUE** : sorry I can't hear you over how unconscious I am.

_(Abrupt cut to technical difficulties screen)_

_(Camera returns)_

**HOST** : so you ended adoption with MYSTIQUE?? 

**ROGUE** : WOLVERINE is my dad now.

 **WOLVERINE** : _(short af)_ from this point on I will only communicate in animalistic growling _(growls)_

 **HOST** : y'know what. Good 'nuff . _(Sips from flask)_ time to bake a cake.

 **HOST** : it took our professional chef 2 hours to make this cake. You all have to make it in 1 without sabotaging other contestants. The recipe is on your respective counters, Get cracking. 

**HOST** : Well go on go.

 **PIETRO** : _(zooms off)_

 **ERIK** : _(pre heats oven and grabs does magnet shit with the_ _metal pans)_

_(all other contestants are business as usual.)_

**HOST** : right off the bat you can see ERIK and PIETRO using their powers rather liberally. After all when your kid can whip batter that fast who needs an electric mixer! Am I right?

_(cut)_

**HOST** : meanwhile over here with the Summers we have our first mistake. They're off mixing the cake but the oven remains unheated. Looks like we're gonna be eating more raw cake than we expected. Yikes!

_(cut)_

**HOST** : WOLVERINE and ROGUE seem to be on the right track but they're using a cupcake pan instead of a round pan. Could this be a deliberate move or simple illiteracy? I say we find out.

**HOST** : So what's the deal with the cupcake pan?

 **WOLVERINE** : _(animalistic growling as he greases the pan with_ _butter on a claw)_

 **HOST** : _(looks to ROGUE)_ how about you ROGUE?

 **ROGUE** : what he said _(is too busy cooking)_

 **HOST** : so that settles it, the adoptive family is illiterate. Let's see how our father and son duo are doing.

 **HOST** : So what are you up to? 

**ERIK** : I'm making the buttercream.

 **HOST** : where's your timer.

 **ERIK** : PIETRO has it he's getting items for decorations.

 **HOST** : wow you two really have this ahead of schedule. I'm impressed.

 **ERIK** : as you should be

_(cut)_

**HOST** : After what seems like a century it seems the Summers brothers finally thought to preheat the oven. Given their powers this could turn out fine. But will it be enough to save their cake? Time to go ask.

 **HOST** : Hey ALEX.

 **ALEX** : sup.

 **HOST** : so ALEX I've heard conflicting reports about your powers. Does the energy go through your hands or your chest?

 **ALEX** : yes.

 **HOST** : that was not a yes or no question.

 **ALEX** : it depends on the writer.

 **HOST** : oof well it seems like this writer wrote you with meta knowledge as a power instead.

 **SCOTT** : Oh FUCK! I was counting on you having heat based Powers!

 **ALEX** : sorry bro.

_(cut)_

**HOST** : while the contestants pull their cakes out of the oven let's meet this week's guest judges. HOWIE MANDEL and CHEF RAMSAY.

 **RAMSAY** : I've had dog food that smells better than this.

 **HOWIE** : _(just gaping in awe at the cacophony in front of him)_ America really does have talent _(dramatic tears)_

**HOST** : and times up! I need everyone and their boxed up cakes at the front of the studio. 

_(cut)_

**HOST** : well this is quite the collection of cakes. Let's start with our adoptive family. 

**ROGUE** : we made cupcakes instead of cakes. Didn't think the pan would cook fast enough. I hope this doesn't disqualify us.

 **WOLVERINE** : _(growls)_

 **HOST** : it's close enough. Have a taste.

 **RAMSAY** : _(takes bite)_ these mashed potatoes are bland. _(Accompanied by sirens wail)_

 **HOWIE** : _(takes bite)_ Amazing! You're really talented!

 **HOST** : not the best cake I've ever had but you managed to make a cake and it wasn't raw. On this show that's kind of a miracle considering neither of you really used your powers.

 **HOST** : next up our father and son duo- oh dear, what happened. It's all lumpy and falling apart.

 **ERIK** : _(grumbles)_ PIETRO held the timer so it went off too early.

 **PIETRO** : stupid time dilation.

 **HOST** : Oof rookie mistake. Time to contract salmonella.

 **RAMSAY** : _(takes bite)_ these mashed potatoes are bland. _(Accompanied by sirens wail)_

 **HOWIE** : _(takes bite)_ Amazing! You're really talented!

 **HOST** : _(takes a bite and spits it out)_ this is raw. Like really raw. Why did you two swallow that? What the hell? Can I get some water before this next cake?

_(cut)_

**HOST** : alright summers let's see the cake. _(Pulls box off_ _revealing a pan with a dent in it and the batter_ _splattered everywhere)_ hahaHA!

 **SCOTT** : we broke the pan

 **ALEX** : YOU broke the pan

 **HOST** : pfft Hahaha forget the cake _(snickers)_ how did you even manage this??

 **SCOTT** : I forgot my Lasers aren't real Lasers.

 **ALEX** : they're technically a concussive blast.

 **SCOTT** : yeah the cake wasn't cooking fast enough. I kinda panicked-

 **HOST** : SO YOU GAVE IT A CONCUSSION?!

 **SCOTT** : yeah.

 **HOST** : _(laughs so hard she cries)_ OH MY GOD HA!

_(cut)_

**HOST** : _(still recovering from laughter)_ so _(wheeze)_ judges- _(snort)_ what do you have to say on the matter?

 **RAMSAY** : these mashed potatoes are bland. _(Accompanied by_ _sirens wail)_

 **HOWIE** : Amazing! You're really talented!

 **HOST** : _(extended wheezing)_ we'll announce the winners after the break. Hoooo boy!

_(cut)_

**HOST** : the time has come to announce the winner. The only team that managed to produce a cake, ROGUE and WOLVERINE! 

**ROGUE** : _(gasp)_

 **WOLVERINE** : _(growl but excited)_

 **HOST** : come on up and get your prize! The wonderful 3 foot tall plastic Fake It Till You Bake It(™) trophy!

 **HOWIE** : Amazing! You're really talented! 

_(confetti drops)_

_(cut)_

**HOST** : the time has come to console the losers. Team Summers.

 **SCOTT** : Do we get second place?

 **HOST** : There is no second place. You gave a cake a concussion you know exactly why you lost. 

**ALEX** : that's fair.

_(cut)_

**HOST** : ERIK, how does it feel to have lost so miserably?

 **ERIK** : I think we won. Still superior. I'm not about to lose to a midget with forks for hands.

 **WOLVERINE** : _(growls)_

 **ERIK** : your bones are made of metal, dear, when will you ever learn! _(throws WOLVERINE against a wall)_

 **PIETRO** : we may not win at cooking, but we have what really matters. _(Snatches trophy from ROGUE, makes a silly_ _face and runs)_

 **ERIK** : If you'll excuse me I have a world to dominate. _(Steps over WOLVERINE and leaves, following PIETRO)_

 **HOST** : _(blinks in disbelief)_ can they even do that?

 **CAMERAMAN** : we don't have the budget to stop them so… yeah. 

**JUGGERNAUT** : _(busts through a wall killing the HOST)_

 **CAMERAMAN** : HOLY FUCK! IT'S THE JUGGERNAUT!

 **RAMSAY** : these mashed potatoes are bland. 

_(Broadcast ends)_

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure this is the funniest thing I've ever written and I'm kind of mad about that.


End file.
